Thoughts

I think that people who believe that if you must be able to justify and understand your existence logically—why you are here, your purpose, or any of those other Big Questions—or you somehow cannot live it miss the point. I don't need to justify why I enjoy a sunset, I don't even have to put words to it. Maybe knowing that it is caused by a gigantic ball of plasma millions of miles away undergoing continuous explosion is constantly emitting ungodly amounts of deadly radiation that is absorbed and reflects a different color when I am at a spot on the earth looking from a certain angle makes it all the more beautiful to me, but I don't have to know that to enjoy it. I just do.

Do you ever get confused about your identity as a person? Do you feel like you have a good grasp on who you are inside?

Yes and no.

Yes, I have no frickin clue where I stop and the trauma starts. I don't know if I'm the me on the days on anxious or on the rare days I'm not. And most of all, there's the version of me that I hate, and the version of me that I have to tell myself is what's real and the one people really see. But who I am every day feels like a toss of the coin.

No, because I believe that basically that applies to all of us. That we are all just patterns of behavior, from genes that were switched on and off even from when we were still in the womb. And that the whole idea of the "ego", the sense of self that makes choices and thinks thoughts and has feelings, is not really what it appears to be, so nothing that I think "I" am is actually me, because there is no me.

But I still have to get out of bed everyday and think of myself as a me so the pragmatic answer is yes, I mostly have no idea who I really am.

Compassion is not an emotion. It is a deliberate choice. It is not antithetical to fear, anger, or even hatred. Compassion is using empathy and self-awareness to say, I'm feeling these strong emotions. They are valid feelings and I understand them. But I'm not going to let them control me, I'm not going to give in to letting them hurt people, even bad people. Even evil people.

​ I will ghost you. I will cancel plans at the last minute. I will break promises. I will leave early.

Saying "because of my mental illness" is not me trying to excuse myself completely. It's not me denying that you are being hurt. Or that I am the one doing it. Or that I am the one responsible. And I'm not trying to imply that you should always put up with it at the risk of your own well being.

This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

Be patient. Be grateful, when possible. Be open.

It's important to remember that, at every step and stage and form of comfort, both sides are engaged. The primary reason for this series, looking back, is because (a) depression is vastly misunderstood and most people don't seem to have a clue how to approach it, and (b) depression can make one not seek comfort actively for a myriad of reasons, ranging from hopelessness to self-loathing to learned helplessness. But of course, the depressed is an active party; all relationships are two way streets.

This series has been "comforting the depressed" but there is also something to be said for "being comforted as the depressed". (Which may yield a series in an of itself, we shall see.) As for the moment, I cannot write anything to that effect presently, but I do know there is something to be said. Perhaps it varies wildly from case to case, but there are some observations I've made through my experiences that I believe can be applied to most.

So, to the depressed, someone has become an active form of comfort in your life. Perhaps they understand depression well or, more likely, they have gaps in their knowledge. What can you do to help yourself be comforted (often despite yourself)?