My Sexual/Sensual Nature

Wow, could this title be any more awkward?

Let's just move past that and accept the fact that I'm a human being. Human beings are sexual, human beings are sensual. Human beings are these things and more, and yet there's still a taboo about discussing them in a casual manner. Well, at least for the remainder of this post, let's sidestep that taboo and talk about something very real.

I was raised in a very sexually repressed home. The church I attended -which was essentially the entirety of my conenction to the world outside my house- was intent on drilling the message into teenage brains: sex is bad. Not only that, thoughts about sex are bad. Not only that, attraction is bad, or at the very least, should be moderated to the nth degree. Dating -while not being official dogma- was something heavily frowned upon. Even flirting was something that would lead to reproach.

Essentially, what I'm trying to get at is that during my teenage years, the part of my nature as a human being concerning "sex" was repressed so heavily that I essentially lost that part of myself. I'd been taught to actively fight against it so much that it vanished entirely. Well, almost entirely.

Uncovering my sexuality from all the junk that had been thrown on top of it over the years, it felt.....empowering. It felt so good to just let go and not spend so much energy trying to repress it. It made me feel just a little more me.

But there's a reason I put "sensual" on this list, because that was an even more startling revelation: I crave touch. "Sensual", for me, means touch that's non-sexual while still being intimate. Basically, less like handshakes and more like a really real hug. It was something that I had no awareness of until started to receive touch. It's actually weird because parts of my body will do this weird quivering when they're touched; it's like it wants it so badly, it just freaks out when it finally gets it.

The biggest reason that it was startling is that not only was I capable of it, I need it. It's not an option I can choose if I so please, it's a requirement. A requirement for being well.

I started to feel like a different person when I finally had some touch. It faded, of course, but it felt like someone who was more comfortable in their own skin. It felt like my body was starving for it. It felt like a whole slice of life had been completely invisible to me before that point, and now I get to have the slice.

It's still something I'm in the midst of. It's not as though you can take some touch in there and boom, it's cured. Instead it's more like a procedure, or a class. Every time I go to a lecture (receive touch) I learn a little bit more. I'm getting a little more of a fulfilling life.