This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

Don't try to replace one, and don't let yourself bear the burden of one.

There's a reason that this is #4 and not #1 on the list. Because coming straight off the bat with "go see a therapist" or "have you tried medication?" is neither listening nor validating.

BUT. You are not a professional. You are not trained to deal with what has been studied as the phenomena of clinical depression -more than just catching glimpses as you go through life. Even those -such as myself, who has been through much more exposure than the average person- cannot and should not view themselves (knowingly or unknowingly) as being wise enough to know the most effective way of delivering help, or what the most effect help to be delivered is. It's something that I must remind myself of constantly when offering support to others with depression: I must accept my role as a peer despite how much I believe (often rightly) have "learned".

This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

Be there, but also be active. Reach out.

This is a huge variable that depends entirely on the nature of the relationship between the two people. But, if your intention is to comfort more than a one-off, being available for support is a massive help. As I said, the level of availability depends: it can be from "You can text me if you ever just need to make smalltalk", "You can text me if you're feeling down", to "You can call if you're feeling lonely or overwhelmed", to "You can call me literally day or night if you're in a crisis".

This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

This piggybacks off of Listening in that it is generally the next chronologically, but not always. And the problem is that a lot of people absolutely don't understand the basic concept of validation.

Here's validation in a nutshell: accepting that things that are being experienced are being experienced. That if I say "I'm feeling sad today and I don't know why", to accept that, yes, I am feeling bad, without trying to dive into the "why". And very importantly passing no judgment.

Obligatory disclaimer that I am not a professional nor do I mean to imply that what I'm saying is true in every case and that I'm only speaking from my own personal experience.

I started writing this as one single blog post but it grew much too large and I think separate posts for each point gives me a better chance to flesh out ideas.

Also I initially wanted to direct it at the "mentally ill" in its entirety, but because I have primarily struggled with depression and haven't run this by people with other mental illnesses, I don't want to overstep my bounds; it's fallacious for me to say I speak from my own experience if I extend beyond that. However, I do think that, on a basic level, these things are true for almost all relationships -be it family, friendship, romantic partner, etc. At the very least, perhaps people in vastly different situations may be able to gleam a small bit here and there; "take what you want and leave the rest", as they say.

This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

A lot of times. It's acceptable to probe, to a point.

The question "How are you?" has become a pleasantry; like a handshake when encountering someone. My canned response, without thinking, is "Fine, thanks, how are you?" And that's ok, I'm not disparaging it; the cashier at Starbucks doesn't really want to know if I've spent the last week in bed depressed or had a panic attack earlier about whether or not to cook french fries.

There's a pseudo-quote that floats around the internet that goes something like "The most common lie in the world is 'I'm fine'".

This is part of a series and I would recommend starting from the beginning if you have not done so already. You can find all the posts in the series under the tag "Comforting the Depressed".

Be patient. Be grateful, when possible. Be open.

It's important to remember that, at every step and stage and form of comfort, both sides are engaged. The primary reason for this series, looking back, is because (a) depression is vastly misunderstood and most people don't seem to have a clue how to approach it, and (b) depression can make one not seek comfort actively for a myriad of reasons, ranging from hopelessness to self-loathing to learned helplessness. But of course, the depressed is an active party; all relationships are two way streets.

This series has been "comforting the depressed" but there is also something to be said for "being comforted as the depressed". (Which may yield a series in an of itself, we shall see.) As for the moment, I cannot write anything to that effect presently, but I do know there is something to be said. Perhaps it varies wildly from case to case, but there are some observations I've made through my experiences that I believe can be applied to most.

So, to the depressed, someone has become an active form of comfort in your life. Perhaps they understand depression well or, more likely, they have gaps in their knowledge. What can you do to help yourself be comforted (often despite yourself)?