Originally written during treatment
‘Stay Positive.’ I’m so fucking sick of people trying to ‘Stay Positive.’ It’s a denial of what is, an illness; a disjunction between perception & reality. It’s anti-mindfulness. It’s like your car starts making a rattling noise, and you just turn up the radio so you can’t hear it. The problem goes unaddressed.
And the worst part is, it never works. Maybe for the most simple of problems, those that don’t even require treatment. For anything else, it’s willful ignorance. Treat the problem like it’s not there, and hope it goes away. Works with the common cold, not so much with pneumonia.
So no, I will not ‘stay positive.’ Not because I am weak or melancholic. On the contrary, I will swallow the red pill; I will accept things head on. I will stay present. I will be with what is, not deny them. I will feel my feelings, not stuff them. I will walk through sorrow with radical acceptance, knowing that it is part of life. I will sit down with Mara for tea, not attempt to shoo her away. I will not renounce that which is real, that which is valid; I will embrace it, love it, until it melts away and only I remain.