Every time I try to describe my lack of motivation to other people, it’s amazing how I always see the same look of a lack of understanding. They just have a hard time comprehending not having the drive to do critical things. And I can’t say I understand it fully either. All I know is that something just isn’t there. It’s not a case of not wanting to go to work on a Monday, it’s having no desire or drive to brush your teeth, or eat, or even take your daily meds, even though you understand that there will be consequences. It’s a bit like hunger, in that you don’t decide to be hungry, you check what your body is telling you. You don’t decide to have a base level of motivation, you just have it. Or you don’t.

It’s crazy because if you asked me “What’s the one thing that defines your life up to this point?”, my answer -since I was about 16- would be “depression”. And yet I still, roughly 10 years later, have some feeling of doubt about actually saying that I have “depression”.

I think that part of it is that the words are used far more loosely than, say, physical illnesses. It’s not uncommon for people to say “I’m feeling depressed this week” or “I’ve been feeling anxious lately”. That’s fine because it’s just how language is, but I would definitely say there’s a difference between that and living with depression or anxiety.

It’s only recently I’ve realized just how menacing the combination of Depression and Chronic Fatigue is for me.

Chronic Fatigue, I think, is always difficult. But I think that maybe people with a greater drive might be able to fight through it more. Much of the attempted remedies I’ve done require a ton of motivation with the biggest one being massive diet changes. Trying to go through the process of researching, then planning, then grocery shopping, then preparing food on a regular basis (likely every day) while having no energy and/or losing tons of time to sleep is just plain miserable. And simultaneously, you’re constantly looking for other possible remedies, going to doctors, taking new supplements, trying to exercise regularly, and pushing yourself physically to get all it done. Anybody’s endurance would be tested, I think.

But imagine throwing in depression, which has a primary symptom being “loss of interest/motivation”. It’s no wonder I’ve failed time and again when trying to follow the remedies. It goes from me having stints where I am not motivated enough to take my antidepressants (very dangerous) to now trying to take more medicine daily, sometimes several times a day. From sometimes skipping meals just because I don’t feel motivated enough to eat to trying to cook daily with new foreign ingredients.

I think the combination is nasty regardless of which came first, but for me, I had depression first, and while I felt limited in many ways, I at least felt like I had some mobility. It’s like I was a roommate with a complete slob, but I at least had a car. Then Chronic Fatigue came along and the car broke down, and now I’m stuck with the slob all the time, and I have absolutely no idea how to fix the car.

I like to describe depression as being forced to hang out with someone you hate, only that someone is yourself. The type of person that, when you see them, you tense up a sigh and whenever they talk, you inwardly cringe.