This post (or rather me collating the data contained wherein) has been a long time coming. Really I should have started recording back at the beginning, but -as with many problems- at first it didn’t seem like it was a problem, and then it was too big of a problem to analyze. Now, in the future of the past, my goal is to keep it documented what I did and when. Every stupid thing I tried, every test and theory, every doctor and every supplement. In addition to this being the main crux of this blog (at least for the CFS third), collating all possible cures might prove useful to someone, somewhere in the future. That’s a very distant hope.

And while I refer to it as “Chronic Fatigue”, there are a lot of other weird, bizarre symptoms that may show up and then fade away. The main crux is oversleeping and never feeling rested, but there’s also a giant menagerie such as dizziness/drowsiness, lack of mental clarity, being nauseated and tired after eating, beaches and visual problems. Eventually I made a list of all these things to take to the doctor, but that’s getting ahead. In the beginning, it was just about being tired.

Life is complex. I’ll definitely admit that. There are a million different ways to explain and define the causes and effects of a situation and it’s seldom that one can say with one hundred percent certainty, especially when there is human behavior involved. But I kind of have a theory about how my current progress, and treatment, is going in terms of health and psychology.

It’s only recently I’ve realized just how menacing the combination of Depression and Chronic Fatigue is for me.

Chronic Fatigue, I think, is always difficult. But I think that maybe people with a greater drive might be able to fight through it more. Much of the attempted remedies I’ve done require a ton of motivation with the biggest one being massive diet changes. Trying to go through the process of researching, then planning, then grocery shopping, then preparing food on a regular basis (likely every day) while having no energy and/or losing tons of time to sleep is just plain miserable. And simultaneously, you’re constantly looking for other possible remedies, going to doctors, taking new supplements, trying to exercise regularly, and pushing yourself physically to get all it done. Anybody’s endurance would be tested, I think.

But imagine throwing in depression, which has a primary symptom being “loss of interest/motivation”. It’s no wonder I’ve failed time and again when trying to follow the remedies. It goes from me having stints where I am not motivated enough to take my antidepressants (very dangerous) to now trying to take more medicine daily, sometimes several times a day. From sometimes skipping meals just because I don’t feel motivated enough to eat to trying to cook daily with new foreign ingredients.

I think the combination is nasty regardless of which came first, but for me, I had depression first, and while I felt limited in many ways, I at least felt like I had some mobility. It’s like I was a roommate with a complete slob, but I at least had a car. Then Chronic Fatigue came along and the car broke down, and now I’m stuck with the slob all the time, and I have absolutely no idea how to fix the car.

A while ago I watched a special by comedian Mike Birbiglia where he talks about his blog “My Secret Public Journal” which his therapist told him to start to “put it on paper” for things in his life that bothered him. That’s basically what this blog is, though probably going to be way less funny.

Instead of stories about sleepwalking and whatnot, I’ll be talking more about depression, anxiety, and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). That might not sound like the most attractive thing to read, but that’s why this is a Journey to the Center of Self. It’s more or less a voyage of self discovery, with my thoughts on what defines me (which, at the moment, is those three things more than anything else).

You can make of it what you will. I’m not writing to define how things are for everyone nor am I trying to tell people how to get better. I’ll be sharing various treatments like Somatic Experiencing and EMDR and other (attempted) remedies for CFS, but a month later I may make a post saying I was wrong. It’s a journey and I’ve always had a poor sense of direction.